Road Trips tell you alot about a person

Going with Ryan to get his car stuff done in Ohio this weekend was one of the best ideas I had in along time. With a wonderfully educational trip at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame under my belt I can now breathe easy, They say take a trip with someone and you will see how real your feelings are or see the person under stress aka at their worst. If this is the case I have decided once and for all ; Ryan makes my heart beat different my world go round at a place unimaginable by someone who has never felt love.

When I am with him its like the reality of the rest of the world melts away.To be able to see someones smile and feel as though all is right in the world. I NEVER knew what it meant to really feel love, to love and care for someone and get that exact force back like some kind of theory by Einstein. To lie in bed at night and know that tomorrow night you will love that person even more.

This brings me to Sunday nights, as amazing as the weekends are I cherish every forehead kiss, I love you , even your protein shakes and canned chicken, Each Sunday night it gets a little harder to say goodbye I don't know if that because we are falling deeper in love creating that lasting bond between 2 people Is it me becoming dependant on him ? All I know is that now Ive started to cry when he leaves to go home on Sunday night. Am I so overcome because i have never felt a love like this and don't want to with anyone else ? Is it my mind foreshadowing something else a point in our lives where there wont be Sunday night good byes and I love yous , There will only be Monday Good Mornings, Ryan is the only person I could see myself creating a home with , I can only hope I will be lucky enough to spend the rest of my life with such an amazing loving caring soul

While driving to the haunted Forest this song came on and brought me to tears very poignant

Hush my baby, Don't you cry.
I'll dry your eyes. Fulfill your heart's desire.
Let's go in. Try again.
Careful this time. Broken promises linger in our mind.
I'll give in completely. Hearts break so easy.
I know. Believe me.
Oh, I've tried.But my arms can hold you.
My kiss console you.I'll come and love you tonight.
And I...I love, I love, I love
Love hurts sometimes
But this feels right.
You...You love, you love, you love
Though you've been burned
You still return.
Come and share my house, my home, and all I own.
I'd love to give to you.Aren't you tired of going along this lonely road?
It takes it's toll on you.
Give me your emotion, your heart's devotion.
Give anything you like.
And I'll give understanding. Life's so demanding.
I'm all you need to get by.
And I...I love, I love, I love
Love hurts sometimes
But this feels right.And You...You love, you love, you love
Though you've been burned
You still return.
I love, I love, I love
Love hurts sometimes
But this feels right.
And You...You love you love you love
Though you've been burned
You still return.Still return
Still return to love
Keep coming back to love


I love you with all of my heart Ryan :)

In light of recent stalkerish events I will post this in case you dont get the message STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE

Seriously GET OVER YOURSELF I dont want you in my life

ITS ALL YOUR FAULT BUDDY

I found REAL love so to reinterate what i said 3 months ago ITS OVER

New John Legend ft. Kanye West "It's Over"

Now What Do You Keep Standing There For Its Over, Its Overrr

(Its Over) In The Back Of My Mind I Question Why I Keep Calling

I Guess Im Just Used To Getting My Way Im Spoiled

I Dont Wanna Be What You Want Me To Be

So When I Call You're Just Yelling At Me (I'm Sorry It's My Fault)

Oooh & The Clothes I Brought You Can Still Wear

Did You Store The Cards & Teddy Bears

See There I Go Again Sticking My Nose (I'm Sorry It's My Fault)

Now What Do You Keep Standing

There For Its Over, Its Overrr

(It's Over) Girl Talking To Myself In The Mirror Is Strange Enough

So You Gotta Know Sharing This With You Is Painful

You Know We Used To Talk About Our Future (It Ain't Just All My Fault)

(I Know, I Know We Used To Talk About It Babe)

So Say Goodbye To The Way The Leaves Would Fall

The Way We Stand In The Rain & We Would Ball

(We Would Cry) Just Say Goodbye To The Walks & Talks & The Dogs In The Park

(& It Ain't Just All My Fault)

Now What Do You Keep Standing There For It's Over, It's Overrr


(It's Over) We Lost A Four Leaf Clover Dont Ask My Shorty Be Over News Flash Shorty

We Over We Like Def Jam & Hova

We Like Bobby & Whitney Except Without The Kiddies

Just Like Pamela Anderson's Career Except Without The Tittes

We Had Some Good Times Didn't We

I Know I Won't Forget That

But We Had Some Bad Times & That's Time I Wish I Could Get Back

But I Love You I Can't Let Go

Now I Just I Just Don't Know You Been Around Me Long Enough To Know That Now It's Over.

Now What Do You Keep Standing There For It's Over, It's Overrr

It's Nothing We Can Do With It

So You Might As Well Forget It

(It's Over) Like We Never Ever Did It

PLEASE accept the fact im happy and its not with you

just Believe . . . . . . . .

The dictionary defines Believe as: to accept as true, genuine, real, to have a firm conviction as to the goodness, efficacy, or ability of something

I am extremely sick of people asking me what my tattoo “means” and I only have a lifetime of this bs left.

If you notice I got it so that I would be able to read it , not anyone else that word has held a special place holder in my life for sometime now, I think it takes feeling truly hopeless to attach ones self to a word so powerful as Believe.

The Secret which some people may not know or care about is the Law of Attraction.

According to proponents of this law, thoughts have an energy that attracts like energy.
In order to control this energy, proponents state that people must practice three things:

1. Know what you want and ask the universe for it.

2. Feel and behave as if the object of your desire is on its way.

3. Be open to receiving it.

Thinking of what one does not have, they say, manifests itself in not having, while if one abides by these principles, and avoids "negative" thoughts, the Universe will manifest a person's desires.

So on a basic level I suppose it is an everyday reminder for the second step


So I guess this blog is as much for everyone else as it is for me. It is one word that holds many meanings for me and that is why I have permanently marked my body with it

Believe in wishing wells

Believe in shooting stars

Believe that dreams come true

Believe what you feel

Believe in miracles

Believe in angels

Believe in love

Believe two hearts can learn to beat as one

Believe the impossible

Love came in with the fall breeze. . . .

Have not written in a great long while because well things are perfect.

I have found the worlds sweetest guy and there are not words to describe my happiness.

I honestly never thought I deserved this kind of elation, Maybe because I never had it I just gave up hope, Funny how "the Secret" works i could not imagine a better person to have come into my life besides Ryan.

I guess the world works in mysterious ways , I dealt with what was probably the single most abusive and damaging relationship ( if we can ever call it that) for 7 months and always hoped it would somehow pull a caterpillar and grow a cocoon and magically change over night

As soon as my heart gave up any pathetic notion that this would ever occur , God , fate , destiny whatever it was brought the most beautiful butterfly into my lobby

Since the day I saw him fly by I have changed

I realized after a long 22 year wait that my wings are beautiful too and tucking them in all this time has been worth it to be able to spread them with someone so uniquely special :)

Life is EXCRUCIATINGLY Long . . .

Funny how I have stopped thinkin about him all together

NUMB really is the NEW "DEEP"

Being content with someone who makes me so happy

But JM is still hung up on JA sad

I feel your pain John and your wisdom rings more true then ever ... keep it comin

"I don't think that life is short. So I think you should stop saying that. 'Life is short, man.' No it's not! Life is excruciatingly long. Let me rephrase that. The life you got left is excruciatingly long. The life behind you, it's done. So yeah, life is short, but only when you turn around and look at it. But if you keep looking forward, you got a lot of years to think about. If you don't think life is long, if you life every day like life is short, you know what you become? A fuckin' asshole. You gotta live your life like someday soon you're gonna hit some miserable Tuesday night that's just gonna seem to go on for days and days and days. Waiting for either some phone call to come that doesn't come or some phone call to stop that won't stop. Because as it's laid out in front of you seems to go on forever. But look back to when you were 4 and it seems like last Sunday. So just keep looking forward and keep your good heart on you and keep doing the best you can do and love who you love the best you can love."

We wont break we wont die it's just a moment of change

New Beginning's are always so random. NEVER did I expect to get asked out by a prize winner and on top of that click with someone so well, to have a calm force balancing my life. I have finally found someone who would do anything to make me happy and can see what a fine gem I am and does not think of me beneath the mud waiting to be polished. It's funny how sometimes god closes what you think is a 500 pound door that you cant ever open again, then unexpectedly someone with allot of foresight comes along and shows you it was never a door at all but a painting on the wall , and then helps you chip the paint away :)

So then this morning I have this in my Inbox
"If you guys are going to run stuff and run every lie under the sun, have somebody stand up for somebody. Have me as a man who ended a relationship stand here and write some truth. Have me stand up for somebody and write that JENI REY REY is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I've ever met. She's one of the most lovely people I've ever met in my life and I'm going through something that's a very personal thing and you have to give that up. You have to give everything up because you can't have it all and it sucks. I'm sorry that the story's not interesting. But it's about time that somebody stands up for that girl and I think she's great. I ended a relationship because there is no lying. I ended a relationship to be alone because I don't want to waste some body's time if some thing's not right. I don't waste people's time.”

I thank him for putting it into words- ironic in every way- but yet on point

-R


Funny choice on who to paraphrase don't you agree ??? The person you despise THAT my Friend is ironic. . . So I can only assume that he is in fact MY Jennifer Aniston . . . . . and thank god its over now . . . funny how the strong have fallen huh ? Here's to you and hoping that you too can find "Someone To Save You"

Sorry I cant lie. . . So I'll just say good bye

Funny how life works . . whats in a name does it make someone into the person that they are GOD I hope not . . . anyhow told Goobs today Look baically you should feel badly about how you treated me throughout our "whatever it was" to which i was told i was guilt tripping again Looks like someones definition of Guilt Trip is anytime someone makes you feel an emotion you did not make yourself feel Guilty and Guilt Trip ARE NOT INTERCHANGABLE get it through your ignorant fuckign skull!!!!

But for me Today is not about forgiving , but forgetting and finally having a reason to move on . . . This Cd came in the mail off Amazon just moments before our convo happend Def have owned and lost it at least 3 times previous to this

DEF pick up "Gravity" Our Lady Peace

Today's a reason for living
Today's the blood from a stone
Today's the light from a candle
Helping us to find our way home
Today we carry each other
Today the past is a freak
Today is the time for forgiveness
You were never that good to me
I'm sorry I can't lie
I wasted too much timeDrowning, I've been blind
But I've opened up my eyes
Sorry I can’t lie
So I'll just say goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Today is tasting the honey
Today's the strike of a match
Today's the lines in the pavement
Helping us to find our way back
Today's the crosses we carry
Today's the strength that we need
Today's the hand of an angel
You were not the kind to believe
Today we carry each other
Today we do what we should
Today is the time for forgiving
Today I wish I could

It could never have been enough ...

Theres nothing you can say

Nothing you can do

Theres nothing in between

You know the truth

Nothing left to face

Theres nothing left to lose

Nothing takes your place

When they say

Youre not that strong

Youre not that weak

Its not your fault

And when you climb up to your hill

Up to your placeI hope youre well

Theres nothing left to prove

Theres nothing I wont do

Theres nothing like the pain

I feel for you

Nothing left to hide

Nothing left to feel

I am always here

When they say

Youre not that strong

Youre not that weak

Its not your fault

And when you climb up to your hill

Up to your placeI hope youre well

What you want

What you lost

What you had

What is gone is over

What you got

What you love

What you need

What you have is real

Its not enough
Its not enough
Its not enough
Its not enough, Im sorry
Its not enough
Its not enough
Its not enoughIts not enough...
When they say
Youre not that strong
Youre not that weak
Its not your fault
And when you climb up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope youre well
Its not enough
NoIts not enoughIts not enough

FUCK the lobby music. . . . seriously son

So where I sit for work they have a speaker witch rotates all five stations every 12 min. This has already resulted in Benny Mardones "Into the Night"(my favorite song of all time) being cut off at least 3 times. :( SO I play my Itunes and feild at least 10 questions from prize winners per day "what station is that?!?!?" Sometimes a song will catch my ear out of the ceiling,and I will turn off my music to hear it better, only some songs catch my ear and with no ryhme or reason I wonder is it because my ear and my brain make some conection and link to my heart and I
end up attachting feelings to a song that never reminded us of that person before . . . :(

Anything for you
Though youre not here
Since you said were through
It seems like years
Time keeps draggin on and on
And forevers been and gone
Still I cant figure what went wrong
Id still do anything for you
Ill play your game
You hurt me through and through
But you can have your way
I can pretend each time I see you
That I dont care and I dont need you
And though youll never see me cryin
You know inside I feel like dying
And Id do anything for you
In spite of it allIve learned so much from you
You made me strong
But dont you ever think that I dont love you
That for one minute I forgot you
But sometimes things dont work out right
And you just have to say goodbye
I hope you find somone to please you
Somone wholl care and never leave you
But if that someone ever hurts you
You just might need a friend to turn to
And Id do anything for you
Ill give you upIf thats what I should do
To make you happy
I can pretend each time I see you
That I dont care and I dont need you
And though inside I feel like dying
You know youll never see me crying
Dont you ever think that I dont love you
That for one minute I forgot you
But sometimes things dont work out right
And you just have to say goodbye. . . .


Good Bye

Christmas in JULY !?!?!?!?! WTF!?!?!?!?!

So I get to the front desk this morning and begin to hear about how glorious is the day Christ was born uhhhh HELLO WASH FM this is 2 days after I WAS BORN !!!! Play JM all day not Xmas shit which btw instantly made me think of a certain song. If i could change a few small details about the lyrics this would be the ballad of "John Stamos & I "



Here comes the cold

Break out the winter clothes

And find a love to call your own

You - enter you

Your cheeks a shade of pink

And the rest of you in powder blue

Who knows what will be

But I'll make you this guarantee

No way November will see our goodbye

When it comes to December it's obvious why

No one wants to be alone at Christmas time

In the dark, on the phone

You tell me the names of your brothers

And your favorite colors

I'm learning you

And when it snows again

We'll take a walk outside

And search the sky

Like children do I'll say to you

No way November will see our goodbye

When it comes to December it's obvious why

No one wants to be alone at Christmas time

And come January we're frozen inside

Making new resolutions a hundred times

February, won't you be my valentine?

And we'll both be safe 'til St. Patrick's Day

We should take a ride tonight around the town and look around at all the beautiful houses

Something in the way that blue lights on a black night can make you feel more

Everybody, it seems to me, just wants to be

Just like you and me No one wants to be alone at Christmas time

Come January we're frozen inside

Making new resolutions a hundred times

February, won't you be my valentine?

And if our always is all that we gave

And we someday take that away

I'll be alright if it was just 'til St. Patrick's Day



Just change the month names and there you have it . . .



This song to me at least symbolizes Starting off dating someone a relationship if you will and knowing deep down inside the expiration date is soon on its way, How else could he know such a definitive date.Somehow we as humans believe that we have the power within ourselves to change things we don't like. We believe if we want something bad enough we will get it. Somehow when your in the situation its so easy to only remember the beautiful snow covered houses and not remember the dirty drifts of snow scrapped up onto the curb. I still remember the first time I met him, he somehow really did have an aura of Powder blue about him , weird how stuff like that happens when you least expect it. The one thing I can say without ANY DOUBTS is My always is all that I gave and today is the day I'm taking it away . . . to give to someone who wants it who wants to make me happy who cares about MY feelings

I woke up this morning feeling old . . .

Well yesterday was the BIG 22 and I must say I feel decrepit, as of late I am finding out people really do read this piece of self important crap , so maybe I should start to vent more often

Anyhow once again rather then unleash my thoughts upon this poor keyboard and risk being crucified or made to feel like a horrible person ( One and the same in this instance) for being honest and using this as a safe outlet for my emotions I will post some lyrics to songs that I feel better describe what i am going through rather then bring unnecessary drama upon myself I will just stick to posting lyrics about the aforementioned issue because I think each song will speak to the person its supposed to and only that individual will know what it means



Like a Star- Corinne Bailey Rae Lyrics
Just like a star across my sky
Just like an angel off the page
You have appeared to my life
Feel like I'll never be the same
Just like a song in my heart
Just like oil on my hands
Only to love you
Still i wonder why it is
I don't argue like this
With anyone but you
We do it all the time
Blowing out my mind
You've got this look i can't describe
You make me feel like I'm alive
When everything else is au fait
Without a doubt you're on my side
Heaven has been away too long
Can't find the words to write this song
Oh...Your love
Still i wonder why it is
I don't argue like this,With anyone but you
We do it all the time,Blowing out my mind
I have come to understand
The way it is, It's not a secret anymore,'cause we've been through that before
From tonight I know that you're the only one
I've been confused and in the dark
Now I understand,I wonder why it is
I don't argue like this
With anyone but you
I wonder why it is
I wont let my guard down
To anyone but you
We do it all the time
Blowing out my mind
Just like a star across my sky
Just like an angel off the page
You have appeared to my life
Feel like I'll never be the same
Just like a song in my heart
Just like oil on my hands

Why Did you mess with Forever? John Mayer( Not everything about this song applies but its the same general sentiment)(plus had to throw this one in because you are so fond of him)
I came by to get my things
Thank you for getting the door
But I don't feel right walking in no more
You think it's cold I did my crying at home
But I'm numb now, I'm numb now
Before I'm on my way
I've one more thing to ask
Was it worth the price you paid
For my never coming back
Why did you mess with forever?
Such a long time to be unkind
Why did you mess with forever?
Don't you call me cruel
Cruel's what you're making me do
I stick to my rules I'm at odds with me now
So stay, don't go ahead and stay
Before I'm on my way
I've one more thing to ask
Was it worth the price you paid
For my never coming back
Why did you mess with forever?
Such a long time to be unkind
Why did you mess with forever?
You asked to kiss me once goodbye
But you already did
On somebody else's lips
Tell the tiny chemicals
The ones you hold responsible
They lost me
YOU lost me
Now everything inside me tells me I should run to you and throw my arms around you
Hold your steamin,crying cheek against my own and tell you nothing's wrong
But wrong is what you were when you forgot that
We were going on
We were going on
We were going on
Tell me why did you, why did you mess with forever?
What a long time be unkind
Why did you mess with forever?


Waiting in Vain- Bob Marley
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love
From the very first time I blessed my eyes on you, girl
My heart says, "Follow through."
But I know now that I'm way down on your line
But the waiting feel is fine
So don't treat me like a puppet on a string'
Cause I know how to do my thing
Don't talk to me as if you think I'm dumb I wanna know when you're gonna come
See, I don't wanna wait in vain for your love
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love
'Cause it's summer is here
I'm still waiting there
Winter is here and I'm still waiting there
Like I said,It's been three years since I'm knocking on your door
And I still can knock some more
Ooh, girl, ooh, girl
Is it feasible, I wanna know now
For I to knock some more?
Ya see, in life I know there's lots of grief
But your love is my relief
Tears in my eyes burn
Tears in my eyes burn while I'm waiting
While I'm waiting for my turn.
See, I don't wanna wait in vain for your love
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love
Oh, I don't wanna,
I don't wanna
I don't wanna, I don't wanna
No, I don't wanna, I don't wanna
I don't wanna, I don't wanna
I don't wanna wait in vain.
It's your love that I'm waiting on
It's my love that you're running from.

And to finish off Some of the simplistic lyrical genius that is Citizen Cope

My Way Home
Sometimes I miss a step
I stumble here and there
I'm findin' my way home
If I'm lost then I'll admit
Sometimes i plain forget
I'm findin' my way home
You can try and stand in my way
You can say what you're gonna say
But I'm finding my way home

Sideways
You know it ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
But these feelings won't go away. . .

A few choice songs to describe this weekend's events

Staind - Believe
I sit alone and watch the clock Tryin to collect my thoughts
All I think about is you And so I cry myself to sleep
And hope the devil, I don't meet In the Dreams that I live through
Believe in me I know you've waited for so long
Believe in me Sometimes the weak become the strong
Believe in me This life is not always what it seems
Believe in me Cause I was made for chasing dreams
All the smiles you've had to fake And all the bullshit you've had to take
Just to lead us here again I never have the things to say
To make it all just go away To make it all just disappear
Believe in me I know you've waited for so long
Believe in me Sometimes the weak become the strong
Believe in me This life is not always what it seems
Believe in me Cause I was made for chasing dreams
It's my life It's my choice Hear my words Hear my voice
So just believe I sit alone and watch the clock
Tryin to collect my thoughts All I think about is you
If you believe in me Life not always what it seems
Believe in me Cause I was made for chasing dreams.
Believe in me I know you've waited for so long
Believe in me Sometimes the weak become the strong
Believe in me This life is not always what it seems
Believe in me Cause I was made for chasing dreams

Carolina Liar- Better Alone
Don't you hope
We can start again
Endings are old
But they help you see
Can't quite believe
All of this and what it means
You've become so bitter
You think you're better alone
For the sake of your sanity
It won't hurt a soul
If you just learn to breathe, again
You never had the nerve to begin with
You think you're better alone
Been here before
Seeking safety or something to blame
You feel so hollow
You could swear that you've grown
Where did you think
As big as your dream
You've become so bitter
You think you're better alone
For the sake of your sanity
It won't hurt a soul
If you just learn to breathe, again
You never had the nerve to begin with
You think you're better alone
Never had the nerve to begin with
Got to come to your senses
You think you're better alone
For the sake of your sanity
It won't hurt a soul
If you just learn to breathe, again
You think you're better alone
It won't hurt a soul

One Republic-Prodigal
We say good-bye I turn my back
Run away, run away So predictable
Not far from here You see me crack
Like a bone, like a bone I'm so breakable
And I take everything from you
But you'll take anything Won't you?
Run away, run away Like a prodigal
Don't you wait for me Don't you wait for me
So ashamed, so ashamed But I need you so
And you wait for me And you wait for me
I'm on the road To who knows where? Look ahead, not behind I keep saying
There's no place to go Where you're not there
On your rope, I hold tight But it's fraying
And I take everything from you But you'll take anything Won't you?
Run away, run away Like a prodigal
Don't you wait for me Don't you wait for me
So ashamed, so ashamed But I need you so
And you wait for me And you wait for me
Everybody wants to be right
But only if it's not day light? I keep trying to find my way back My way back
Run away, run away Like a prodigal Don't you wait for me
Don't you wait for me So ashamed, so ashamed
But I need you so And you wait for me
And you wait for me
Runaway
Runaway
Runaway
From you
From you
From you

Citizen Cope-Theresa
Your Breathing
Don't happen
By yourself
Alone
Is no
Way to live
This feeling
It don't happen
By yourself
Alone Is no
Way to live
We could love
We can love
One another

Maroon5-Sweetest Goodbye
Where you are seems to be
As far as an eternity
Outstretched arms open hearts
And if it never ends then when do we start?
I’ll never leave you behind
Or treat you unkind
I know you understand
and with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye
That I ever did receive
Pushing forward and arching back
Bring me closer to heart attack
Say goodbye and just fly away
When you come back
I have some things to say
How does it feel to know you never have to be alone
When you get home
There must be someplace here that only you and I could go
So I can show you how i
Dream away everyday
Try so hard to disregard
The rhythm of the rain that drops
And coincides with the beating of my heart
I’ll never leave you behind
Or treat you unkind
I know you understand
And with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye That I ever did receive
Pushing forward and arching back
Bring me closer to heart attack
Say goodbye and just fly away
When you comeback I have some things to say
How does it feel to know you never have to be alone
When you get home
There must be someplace here that only you and I could go
So I can show you how I feel

John Legend- Another Again
So we did it again
Knowing we should quit it, but we simply won’t admit it again
Oh it feels good, it’s so good, but I won’t do it again
It’s so dramatic again After we go at it, we get mad then we go at it again
Oh I love it, then I hate it, she’s my favorite again
I’m wasting time I can’t help it she’s so fine
Oh I like her style And I love the way she talks and I smile
As much as we may try Can’t quite see eye to eye
So in the meantime, I guess we say bye-bye(And again and again and again)
Oh, and then, we do it again
We do it again and we do it again
Oh, and then, we do it again
We want it again, and we want it again
So we fake it again I think we’re gonna blow it, and we know it
But she’s naked again We get wasted, then I taste it, then I waste it again
I can’t invite her again‘ Cause she’ll go from a lover to a fighter
And I’ll fight her again So it’s over, but I told her to come over again
I’m wasting time But she’s always on my mind
I can’t let her go Oh, she’s not the best, but she’s all that I know
As much as we may try Can’t quite see eye to eye
So in the meantime I guess we say bye bye(And again and again and again)
Oh, and then, we do it again We do it again and we do it again
Oh, and then, we do it again We want it again, and we want it again
So I’ve got a new friend I wish I could forget you
But I miss you, wanna kiss you again
She’s like you, but she’s not you, gotta find you again
So we remember again The middle of December and I took you out to dinner again
Oh I love her, it’s not over, just another again(And again and again and again)
Oh, it’s another again I love her, it’s another again

Please keep me "Where the Light Is"

I wrote this after a particularly trying day with "Goobs" , basically telling me I guilt trip him into feeling bad about things in my life How one can do this??? I am still perplexed by that accusation but this is what came out as a result of that:

How do you let go of someone when you still care about them but they clearly have stopped having feelings towards you or maybe just maybe they never had any to begin with ?

How can you ever really know if its real ?
If they are false how can we ever trust our emotions to anyone again ?

More importantly how do you erase the memories that are connected to places , smells, songs that remind you of the times you spent with that person ?

I'm hoping John’s ideas on getting over someone will help me avoidance and telling yourself never mind . . . . but this poses another question How can that possibly be enough to forget someone ?

Why do the good memories always out weight the bad ? How come we can take ourselves out of a situation and see it for the abusive dysfunctional thing that is was but somehow those tiny glimmers out weight all of the horrific things you put up with when you are in it ?

NEVER will I understand why you can give your entire heart to someone and want with every cell in your body to be that one person who makes them happy , that one person to save them why isn't that enough? why cant we will things to happen in this world ? I guess no matter what you do you can not make someone see what they don't want to see . . . So I guess its back to the old mantra “I refuse to believe that my life’s gunna be just some string of in completes . . . .”
This JM song was an oldie that he did for his live CD DVD, It’s funny his music always seems to come at a time in my life when I need it here it is “In Your Atmosphere”

I don’t think I’m gonna go to LA anymore

I don’t think I’m gonna go to LA anymore

I don’t know what it’s like to blame you

Nothing’s true I don’t think I’m gonna go to LA anymore
I don’t think I’m gonna go to LA anymore

I’m not sure that I really ever could

Hold on to a hotel key in a Bedroom neighborhood

and go sleep-walking in Hollywood
I’m gonna steer clear

Burn up in your atmosphere

I’m gonna steer clear

Cus I’d die if I saw you

I’d die if I didn’t see you there

So I don’t think I’m gonna go to LA anymore
Cus I miss you

It sucks that I’m not mad
I don't think I’m gonna go to LA anymore

I get lost on the boulevard at night

Without your voice to tell me I love you, take a right

the ten and the two is a lonely sight
I’m gonna steer clear

Burn up in your atmosphere

I’m gonna steer clear

Cus I’d die if I saw you

I’d die if I didn’t see you
I’m gonna steer clear

Burn up in your atmosphere

I’m gonna steer clear

Cus I’d die if I saw you

I’d die if I didn’t see you there see you there
I think I’m gonna stay gonna stay gonna stay in the gray gonna stay

All the street lights say never mind never mind

All the canyon lines say never mind

Sunset says we see it all the time, never mind, never mind

Could my love of John Mayer be Holding me back from finding love ?

For the last 7 months I have been for lack of a better term "seeing" a guy who will be referred to as "Goobs" for the purpose of this blog. He has serious issues(commitment & mental) along the same vein as my own, I guess sometimes in life we want to feel like we can help someone , because we see ourselves in that person or their situation and we are unable to help ourselves, Since i originally wrote this I have been giving him space , this however is depressing on its own , the with drawl of not having him in my life is unbearable.

This week on the heels of seeing JM live and Goobs deleting me from the Facebook page (that I made for him), I felt it necessary to tell him , It hurts to feel like someone is trying to erase you from the last half year of their lives, to which he told me he wasn't, he just needed space a euphemism for "I don't want to be with you"(at least in my opinion). I broke down yesterday and asked him to Snoop and 311 (free tix from work) this Sunday this will be the first face to face interaction between us in over 2 weeks I guess what I'm really wondering where exactly on the awkward moments scale this will fall hopefully for my sake it wont be TOO horrific.

So this is my first real blog and I have to say it feels good, Somehow it is such a release to write this down, no matter if anyone reads it or not. With my upcoming birthday (next Wed.) and my own choice for the date I stop putting up with all of "Goobs" BS . I said to myself in the very beginning I will give him until my birthday. I have dated emotionally unavailable people in the past , and they at least monetarily could should me how they felt.I would far prefer kind words , or loving gestures , but if spending $$$$ is the only way you can tell someone about your feelings for them , to each his own. I figure this is the perfect opportunity, show me you care , show me that one day you want to be with me . . . . this may be your last chance

Old JM blog: So I pose to my self this rhetorical question of sorts
Could my love and passion for something bigger then myself be preventing me from finding love elsewhere in my life?
A huge part of me fights this idea to its core, I suppose that’s the part of me that knows with out him, with out certain songs (St. Patrick’s Day) and certain albums (Heavier Things), the very “Jennie” that people love would cease to exist.

John Mayer’s Music helped me get through times where I felt alone in this world as we all sometimes do , I felt so hurt, so forgotten and when I found this amazing music I felt it speak to my heart , my very sense of existence, it let me know that one day it would all be ok , there was a place for me in this world and there was someone out there who knew how I felt and was making music that connected to my heart.
This part of me feels like you should never judge people because of the significance they attach to a thing, place or person. If they have by some stroke of luck found that one thing that makes them so sublimely happy or can keep them from falling off a precarious ledge who are we to judge them for it ? Maybe people’s lack of insight on my exact relationship with his music is frustrating to them and their defense mechanism is to “hate on him“ because it’s far easier then trying to delve into why.

When I try to look at the situation from another perspective (an ability I think most in this world lack) I could see how someone might feel threatened by my devotion to someone who I have yet to even meet yet, They might feel overshadowed by my love of his music, or think that because I devote so much emotion to it I couldn’t possibly have an extra to put forth towards a relationship. Or perhaps people feel threatened, I think some people (the truly awake people) search for what I have stumbled upon their wholes lives, YES he might not love me back and YES there is a chance we may never meet and I may never get to speak the words to somehow try and express my gratitude for his musical genius, But that’s ok life is never certain, My undying, unexplainable devotion to him will never wane, No matter the tabloid headline or what anyone else thinks about him , and somehow that’s enough for me.

Upon pondering my thoughts while writing this I have decided it is the passion with which we love in life that Matters, we can have no control over the other thing or person loving us back, all we can do is send forth all of our blind love and hope that somehow in this wonderfully magic place we live can retain our feelings somehow send them out to that person or thing.
In closing I have decided a few things
1.Extreme passion scares some people

2.Some people will always be to dense to ever get it

3.All you need is Love , not to feel loved from an outside source, but to feel undying love in your heart something far greater then yourself

THAT my friends is the greatest thing you will ever learn