Please keep me "Where the Light Is"

I wrote this after a particularly trying day with "Goobs" , basically telling me I guilt trip him into feeling bad about things in my life How one can do this??? I am still perplexed by that accusation but this is what came out as a result of that:

How do you let go of someone when you still care about them but they clearly have stopped having feelings towards you or maybe just maybe they never had any to begin with ?

How can you ever really know if its real ?
If they are false how can we ever trust our emotions to anyone again ?

More importantly how do you erase the memories that are connected to places , smells, songs that remind you of the times you spent with that person ?

I'm hoping John’s ideas on getting over someone will help me avoidance and telling yourself never mind . . . . but this poses another question How can that possibly be enough to forget someone ?

Why do the good memories always out weight the bad ? How come we can take ourselves out of a situation and see it for the abusive dysfunctional thing that is was but somehow those tiny glimmers out weight all of the horrific things you put up with when you are in it ?

NEVER will I understand why you can give your entire heart to someone and want with every cell in your body to be that one person who makes them happy , that one person to save them why isn't that enough? why cant we will things to happen in this world ? I guess no matter what you do you can not make someone see what they don't want to see . . . So I guess its back to the old mantra “I refuse to believe that my life’s gunna be just some string of in completes . . . .”
This JM song was an oldie that he did for his live CD DVD, It’s funny his music always seems to come at a time in my life when I need it here it is “In Your Atmosphere”

I don’t think I’m gonna go to LA anymore

I don’t think I’m gonna go to LA anymore

I don’t know what it’s like to blame you

Nothing’s true I don’t think I’m gonna go to LA anymore
I don’t think I’m gonna go to LA anymore

I’m not sure that I really ever could

Hold on to a hotel key in a Bedroom neighborhood

and go sleep-walking in Hollywood
I’m gonna steer clear

Burn up in your atmosphere

I’m gonna steer clear

Cus I’d die if I saw you

I’d die if I didn’t see you there

So I don’t think I’m gonna go to LA anymore
Cus I miss you

It sucks that I’m not mad
I don't think I’m gonna go to LA anymore

I get lost on the boulevard at night

Without your voice to tell me I love you, take a right

the ten and the two is a lonely sight
I’m gonna steer clear

Burn up in your atmosphere

I’m gonna steer clear

Cus I’d die if I saw you

I’d die if I didn’t see you
I’m gonna steer clear

Burn up in your atmosphere

I’m gonna steer clear

Cus I’d die if I saw you

I’d die if I didn’t see you there see you there
I think I’m gonna stay gonna stay gonna stay in the gray gonna stay

All the street lights say never mind never mind

All the canyon lines say never mind

Sunset says we see it all the time, never mind, never mind

Could my love of John Mayer be Holding me back from finding love ?

For the last 7 months I have been for lack of a better term "seeing" a guy who will be referred to as "Goobs" for the purpose of this blog. He has serious issues(commitment & mental) along the same vein as my own, I guess sometimes in life we want to feel like we can help someone , because we see ourselves in that person or their situation and we are unable to help ourselves, Since i originally wrote this I have been giving him space , this however is depressing on its own , the with drawl of not having him in my life is unbearable.

This week on the heels of seeing JM live and Goobs deleting me from the Facebook page (that I made for him), I felt it necessary to tell him , It hurts to feel like someone is trying to erase you from the last half year of their lives, to which he told me he wasn't, he just needed space a euphemism for "I don't want to be with you"(at least in my opinion). I broke down yesterday and asked him to Snoop and 311 (free tix from work) this Sunday this will be the first face to face interaction between us in over 2 weeks I guess what I'm really wondering where exactly on the awkward moments scale this will fall hopefully for my sake it wont be TOO horrific.

So this is my first real blog and I have to say it feels good, Somehow it is such a release to write this down, no matter if anyone reads it or not. With my upcoming birthday (next Wed.) and my own choice for the date I stop putting up with all of "Goobs" BS . I said to myself in the very beginning I will give him until my birthday. I have dated emotionally unavailable people in the past , and they at least monetarily could should me how they felt.I would far prefer kind words , or loving gestures , but if spending $$$$ is the only way you can tell someone about your feelings for them , to each his own. I figure this is the perfect opportunity, show me you care , show me that one day you want to be with me . . . . this may be your last chance

Old JM blog: So I pose to my self this rhetorical question of sorts
Could my love and passion for something bigger then myself be preventing me from finding love elsewhere in my life?
A huge part of me fights this idea to its core, I suppose that’s the part of me that knows with out him, with out certain songs (St. Patrick’s Day) and certain albums (Heavier Things), the very “Jennie” that people love would cease to exist.

John Mayer’s Music helped me get through times where I felt alone in this world as we all sometimes do , I felt so hurt, so forgotten and when I found this amazing music I felt it speak to my heart , my very sense of existence, it let me know that one day it would all be ok , there was a place for me in this world and there was someone out there who knew how I felt and was making music that connected to my heart.
This part of me feels like you should never judge people because of the significance they attach to a thing, place or person. If they have by some stroke of luck found that one thing that makes them so sublimely happy or can keep them from falling off a precarious ledge who are we to judge them for it ? Maybe people’s lack of insight on my exact relationship with his music is frustrating to them and their defense mechanism is to “hate on him“ because it’s far easier then trying to delve into why.

When I try to look at the situation from another perspective (an ability I think most in this world lack) I could see how someone might feel threatened by my devotion to someone who I have yet to even meet yet, They might feel overshadowed by my love of his music, or think that because I devote so much emotion to it I couldn’t possibly have an extra to put forth towards a relationship. Or perhaps people feel threatened, I think some people (the truly awake people) search for what I have stumbled upon their wholes lives, YES he might not love me back and YES there is a chance we may never meet and I may never get to speak the words to somehow try and express my gratitude for his musical genius, But that’s ok life is never certain, My undying, unexplainable devotion to him will never wane, No matter the tabloid headline or what anyone else thinks about him , and somehow that’s enough for me.

Upon pondering my thoughts while writing this I have decided it is the passion with which we love in life that Matters, we can have no control over the other thing or person loving us back, all we can do is send forth all of our blind love and hope that somehow in this wonderfully magic place we live can retain our feelings somehow send them out to that person or thing.
In closing I have decided a few things
1.Extreme passion scares some people

2.Some people will always be to dense to ever get it

3.All you need is Love , not to feel loved from an outside source, but to feel undying love in your heart something far greater then yourself

THAT my friends is the greatest thing you will ever learn