As I stare at this empty box I wonder
What could have possibly been so important in life that I haven't made a post in 6 + months ?
But I guess that's how it starts huh ? Adulthood Getting Old
Time just seems to melt away in a way it never did back in 5th grade biting your nails awaiting the bell to signal the start of recess
Now we blink our eyes and a week has gone past
Blink again and its a month Once more and year has passed
Perhaps I am looking at this all wrong
I have spent the past year of my life experiencing an emotion so foreign to me it still feels awkward to talk about
Love
Through out everything that's happened since I have worked at C.C.D.C I always had a feeling this was right where I was meant to be, This didn't truly come to fruition until Last August.
After the 3 stations I worked as an assistant for where sold out from underneath me, ( I have come to see that's Radio folks, If you don't like it get the fuck out)
Upper MGMT. decided to offer me the receptionist position.
At the time I thought to myself this isn't it , This can't be the end of my saga in radio, While I knew I wouldn't have the same job anymore or even the same duties I snapped at the chance.
A year ago when I took the position of "Director of First Impressions" as I affectionately refer to it as I thought of it as more of a temporary thing , I have applied for 2 other positions and despite well wishes and the best intentions , I have remained at the front desk. I pressed on , Through this horrible recession , The usually incestuous world of radio Must have gotten a Costco pack of condoms , As soon as the economy took its nose dive I saw friends leave and there jobs not replaced or re hired for. Like in life when something needs to be done sometimes you suck it up and bear the brunt. It has been an interesting year up here that's for damn sure !
So at the time that I took this job I fancied myself to be a "People Person" I figured all my experience as a server would make this easy as pie for me !
I have come to decide that 80% of the people in this world are complete and total self important assholes.
But is it that 80 that makes the other 20 seem so glorious or the other way round either way its an enigma that someone with far too much time on their hands could figure out.
So here I am a year ago ; Elated just to have any job at this point , Still hopeful about the position I had applied for with DC101.
Radio station prize winners ; a group of humans all their own , Anyone who has had experience with this rare breed will tell you They can be quite the handful.
From the "professional winners" to the first time grand prize winners, they tend to span all races economic brackets and because they are won through a medium that rewards a silky voice not an attractive face and the winners for the most part reflect this !
It was late summer , I was recently restarted if you will. Someone one told me that the best things will come to you the moment you stop awaiting them and just live your life.
After 5 months of trying to make someone who is permanently and profoundly depressed into a happier person and failing , I was exhausted , Spent, I felt like a failure and I felt my search for someone to love and love me was hopeless. felt as though everything I ever had negatively implanted into my head had become a self fulling prophecy. I would never achieve this glorious emotion that is spoken of so highly by everyone. While it sounds negative part of me gave up, To quote 1 of my favorite JM songs, I went numb and you know what they say "Numb is the New Deep"
The heaviness of it all didn't seem to affect my mood at work, I have always been good at hiding sadness from people some may think this is a gift but to me its a curse.
So here I am the first week in an already muggy August , At this point the font desk hasn't sunken its bitter claws into me yet so I still make an effort to carry on small talk with all the winners who spend a few minutes in my lobby awaiting there prize being delivered.
One particular winner for Virginfest2008 was named Ryan. His tickets where to Sunday and a new band I was big into would be playing there that day. Chromeo , So of course I ell this handsome gentleman "Be sure you see Chromeo they are this shit ! " (or something to this affect) From his response I could tell he was debating asking me to join him , So I preempted this question by telling him about my lack of enthusiasm for humidity especially when it has to do with an all day outside festival concert. He was given his tickets and went on his way with no invitation extended my way.
For some reason out of all the names I read copy and type during a day His stuck with me.
Curiosity got the best of me so I did the most logical thing I searched Facebook and found him I sent him what i thought was Witty note and a reminder to not miss Chromeo on Sunday.
To my surprise he was quite the resourceful FB stalker as well and found my cell # on my page and decided to text me. Eventually we decided to give it a try go together and if worst came to worst we would have had a fun date and a good story to tell our friends or in his case a great story to call and titillate Elliot with !
We spent Friday evening at the fair and a more perfect first kiss for me (a Piglet lover ) could ever take place anywhere else then "Old MacDonald's Barn" The butterflies continued on Friday as we watched Pineapple Express and enjoyed a meal in Downtown Rockville together, All leading up to our day long extravaganza at Pimlico Racecourse where VirginFest was being held.
Looking back on it a year later I think part of me must have known he was the one
When I say the one I mean my missing piece , That oddly shapped puzzle piece that you can never seem to find the offending puzzle box for , Thats what I have been searching for , Yearing for a feeling of being cared for loved that I mattered for once in my life to someone.
Throughout all the sadness in my life I always held tightly to the hope that, This wasn't as good as it gets I would prove EVERYONE wrong and find the puzzle find that one person who it would fit for and get my Happily Ever After.
I have been so blessed to find Ryan , A light in a pitch black world, The Dennis Reynolds to my Charlie Day (see original Dayman episode) My Tenderoni
Its hard for me now to think about my life before I him in it
For once in my life I feel loved I feel whole I feel needed
Is this the feeling I yearned for to feel validated as a person for all these years ?
Well I have found it Or did it find me ? I do know that I have found the man I will spend the rest of my life with. Just to be his wife would be enough for me to die a happy woman.
Either way I am so thankful that I decided to go numb
So that's my advice to you To anyone who happens to read this ; If you are unhappy If you have spent your life searching and hoping for something or someone to happen STOP Take a moment and try to release it all Change your cologne.
Fate Destiny Luck or Serendipity will step in when its time
Numb is the New Deep
