For the last 7 months I have been for lack of a better term "seeing" a guy who will be referred to as "Goobs" for the purpose of this blog. He has serious issues(commitment & mental) along the same vein as my own, I guess sometimes in life we want to feel like we can help someone , because we see ourselves in that person or their situation and we are unable to help ourselves, Since i originally wrote this I have been giving him space , this however is depressing on its own , the with drawl of not having him in my life is unbearable.
This week on the heels of seeing JM live and Goobs deleting me from the Facebook page (that I made for him), I felt it necessary to tell him , It hurts to feel like someone is trying to erase you from the last half year of their lives, to which he told me he wasn't, he just needed space a euphemism for "I don't want to be with you"(at least in my opinion). I broke down yesterday and asked him to Snoop and 311 (free tix from work) this Sunday this will be the first face to face interaction between us in over 2 weeks I guess what I'm really wondering where exactly on the awkward moments scale this will fall hopefully for my sake it wont be TOO horrific.
So this is my first real blog and I have to say it feels good, Somehow it is such a release to write this down, no matter if anyone reads it or not. With my upcoming birthday (next Wed.) and my own choice for the date I stop putting up with all of "Goobs" BS . I said to myself in the very beginning I will give him until my birthday. I have dated emotionally unavailable people in the past , and they at least monetarily could should me how they felt.I would far prefer kind words , or loving gestures , but if spending $$$$ is the only way you can tell someone about your feelings for them , to each his own. I figure this is the perfect opportunity, show me you care , show me that one day you want to be with me . . . . this may be your last chance
Old JM blog: So I pose to my self this rhetorical question of sorts
Could my love and passion for something bigger then myself be preventing me from finding love elsewhere in my life?
A huge part of me fights this idea to its core, I suppose that’s the part of me that knows with out him, with out certain songs (St. Patrick’s Day) and certain albums (Heavier Things), the very “Jennie” that people love would cease to exist.
John Mayer’s Music helped me get through times where I felt alone in this world as we all sometimes do , I felt so hurt, so forgotten and when I found this amazing music I felt it speak to my heart , my very sense of existence, it let me know that one day it would all be ok , there was a place for me in this world and there was someone out there who knew how I felt and was making music that connected to my heart.
This part of me feels like you should never judge people because of the significance they attach to a thing, place or person. If they have by some stroke of luck found that one thing that makes them so sublimely happy or can keep them from falling off a precarious ledge who are we to judge them for it ? Maybe people’s lack of insight on my exact relationship with his music is frustrating to them and their defense mechanism is to “hate on him“ because it’s far easier then trying to delve into why.
This part of me feels like you should never judge people because of the significance they attach to a thing, place or person. If they have by some stroke of luck found that one thing that makes them so sublimely happy or can keep them from falling off a precarious ledge who are we to judge them for it ? Maybe people’s lack of insight on my exact relationship with his music is frustrating to them and their defense mechanism is to “hate on him“ because it’s far easier then trying to delve into why.
When I try to look at the situation from another perspective (an ability I think most in this world lack) I could see how someone might feel threatened by my devotion to someone who I have yet to even meet yet, They might feel overshadowed by my love of his music, or think that because I devote so much emotion to it I couldn’t possibly have an extra to put forth towards a relationship. Or perhaps people feel threatened, I think some people (the truly awake people) search for what I have stumbled upon their wholes lives, YES he might not love me back and YES there is a chance we may never meet and I may never get to speak the words to somehow try and express my gratitude for his musical genius, But that’s ok life is never certain, My undying, unexplainable devotion to him will never wane, No matter the tabloid headline or what anyone else thinks about him , and somehow that’s enough for me.
Upon pondering my thoughts while writing this I have decided it is the passion with which we love in life that Matters, we can have no control over the other thing or person loving us back, all we can do is send forth all of our blind love and hope that somehow in this wonderfully magic place we live can retain our feelings somehow send them out to that person or thing.
In closing I have decided a few things
1.Extreme passion scares some people
In closing I have decided a few things
1.Extreme passion scares some people
2.Some people will always be to dense to ever get it
3.All you need is Love , not to feel loved from an outside source, but to feel undying love in your heart something far greater then yourself
THAT my friends is the greatest thing you will ever learn
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