Been a While huh old freind ?

As I stare at this empty box I wonder

What could have possibly been so important in life that I haven't made a post in 6 + months ?

But I guess that's how it starts huh ? Adulthood Getting Old

Time just seems to melt away in a way it never did back in 5th grade biting your nails awaiting the bell to signal the start of recess

Now we blink our eyes and a week has gone past

Blink again and its a month Once more and year has passed

Perhaps I am looking at this all wrong

I have spent the past year of my life experiencing an emotion so foreign to me it still feels awkward to talk about

Love

Through out everything that's happened since I have worked at C.C.D.C I always had a feeling this was right where I was meant to be, This didn't truly come to fruition until Last August.

After the 3 stations I worked as an assistant for where sold out from underneath me, ( I have come to see that's Radio folks, If you don't like it get the fuck out)

Upper MGMT. decided to offer me the receptionist position.

At the time I thought to myself this isn't it , This can't be the end of my saga in radio, While I knew I wouldn't have the same job anymore or even the same duties I snapped at the chance.

A year ago when I took the position of "Director of First Impressions" as I affectionately refer to it as I thought of it as more of a temporary thing , I have applied for 2 other positions and despite well wishes and the best intentions , I have remained at the front desk. I pressed on , Through this horrible recession , The usually incestuous world of radio Must have gotten a Costco pack of condoms , As soon as the economy took its nose dive I saw friends leave and there jobs not replaced or re hired for. Like in life when something needs to be done sometimes you suck it up and bear the brunt. It has been an interesting year up here that's for damn sure !

So at the time that I took this job I fancied myself to be a "People Person" I figured all my experience as a server would make this easy as pie for me !

I have come to decide that 80% of the people in this world are complete and total self important assholes.

But is it that 80 that makes the other 20 seem so glorious or the other way round either way its an enigma that someone with far too much time on their hands could figure out.

So here I am a year ago ; Elated just to have any job at this point , Still hopeful about the position I had applied for with DC101.

Radio station prize winners ; a group of humans all their own , Anyone who has had experience with this rare breed will tell you They can be quite the handful.

From the "professional winners" to the first time grand prize winners, they tend to span all races economic brackets and because they are won through a medium that rewards a silky voice not an attractive face and the winners for the most part reflect this !

It was late summer , I was recently restarted if you will. Someone one told me that the best things will come to you the moment you stop awaiting them and just live your life.

After 5 months of trying to make someone who is permanently and profoundly depressed into a happier person and failing , I was exhausted , Spent, I felt like a failure and I felt my search for someone to love and love me was hopeless. felt as though everything I ever had negatively implanted into my head had become a self fulling prophecy. I would never achieve this glorious emotion that is spoken of so highly by everyone. While it sounds negative part of me gave up, To quote 1 of my favorite JM songs, I went numb and you know what they say "Numb is the New Deep"

The heaviness of it all didn't seem to affect my mood at work, I have always been good at hiding sadness from people some may think this is a gift but to me its a curse.

So here I am the first week in an already muggy August , At this point the font desk hasn't sunken its bitter claws into me yet so I still make an effort to carry on small talk with all the winners who spend a few minutes in my lobby awaiting there prize being delivered.

One particular winner for Virginfest2008 was named Ryan. His tickets where to Sunday and a new band I was big into would be playing there that day. Chromeo , So of course I ell this handsome gentleman "Be sure you see Chromeo they are this shit ! " (or something to this affect) From his response I could tell he was debating asking me to join him , So I preempted this question by telling him about my lack of enthusiasm for humidity especially when it has to do with an all day outside festival concert. He was given his tickets and went on his way with no invitation extended my way.

For some reason out of all the names I read copy and type during a day His stuck with me.

Curiosity got the best of me so I did the most logical thing I searched Facebook and found him I sent him what i thought was Witty note and a reminder to not miss Chromeo on Sunday.

To my surprise he was quite the resourceful FB stalker as well and found my cell # on my page and decided to text me. Eventually we decided to give it a try go together and if worst came to worst we would have had a fun date and a good story to tell our friends or in his case a great story to call and titillate Elliot with !

We spent Friday evening at the fair and a more perfect first kiss for me (a Piglet lover ) could ever take place anywhere else then "Old MacDonald's Barn" The butterflies continued on Friday as we watched Pineapple Express and enjoyed a meal in Downtown Rockville together, All leading up to our day long extravaganza at Pimlico Racecourse where VirginFest was being held.

Looking back on it a year later I think part of me must have known he was the one

When I say the one I mean my missing piece , That oddly shapped puzzle piece that you can never seem to find the offending puzzle box for , Thats what I have been searching for , Yearing for a feeling of being cared for loved that I mattered for once in my life to someone.

Throughout all the sadness in my life I always held tightly to the hope that, This wasn't as good as it gets I would prove EVERYONE wrong and find the puzzle find that one person who it would fit for and get my Happily Ever After.

I have been so blessed to find Ryan , A light in a pitch black world, The Dennis Reynolds to my Charlie Day (see original Dayman episode) My Tenderoni

Its hard for me now to think about my life before I him in it

For once in my life I feel loved I feel whole I feel needed

Is this the feeling I yearned for to feel validated as a person for all these years ?

Well I have found it Or did it find me ? I do know that I have found the man I will spend the rest of my life with. Just to be his wife would be enough for me to die a happy woman.

Either way I am so thankful that I decided to go numb

So that's my advice to you To anyone who happens to read this ; If you are unhappy If you have spent your life searching and hoping for something or someone to happen STOP Take a moment and try to release it all Change your cologne.

Fate Destiny Luck or Serendipity will step in when its time

Numb is the New Deep

Stress Drama and Anxiety

I will keep this brief seeing as how I am running on less then 5 hours of sleep

well as if work stress hasn't been enough this week . . .


Sophie got in a huge fight with my mom yesterday

I get a call from her BF's mom ( he is at school in Indiana)

So I wake my dad up he gets her takes her to the night clinic for kids

still don't know anything at this point

Come to find out my mom kicked her forearm and bitched it up bad

hairline fracture and her hand was all purple and shit reminded me of zombie skin

I got to play nurse and do everything (shower, feed, dress) because of the cast

And whats my reward ????

A day where I will have to fake a smile and pretend nothing is wrong

The worst part is the memories this brings up of my own abuse and MY lack of action against it

But I cant save her . . . She will get fed up and do what I did one day

No One Wants to be alone at Christmas Time . . . .

"Here comes the cold ,Break out the winter clothes and find a love to call your own "

Mayer said this back in 2001 and I now get it , I have finally found a love to call my own

Never did I think i would find someone who I really felt like was my missing piece I finally figured out what that something was that was missing

For once in my life the Holidays were a happy time for me

Meeting Ryan's 2 sides of the family was interesting to say the least

I am now well versed in the art of not reacting when adults speak of awkward things (i.e. sex, bong hits, getting fucked up at HFS)

It was nice to be around a real , functioning family for once

Made me feel strangely holidaish :)

Bringing Ryan as my date to Clear Channels Holiday Party ( I know I know I am as amazed as you are we could bring dates at all) Was a GREAT call , he was by far the most handsome man there and was a perfect companion, and the Gaylord hotel was spectacular !

Going to the Haley Farm Bed and Breakfast in Deep Creek MD was a glorious time despite some of the bumps in the road ( uncommunicative Amish sleigh operators, blowing chunks Christmas morning, Ryan's lack of vacation packing cough cough one shirt cough) it was a Christmas I will never forget :)

After 6th months of dating , I have decided Ryan is the one I waited for, i am reminded of something someone told me once, Women are like apples on a tree the rotten ones are close to the bottom, Either fall off or are very easy to get , But the best apples the most Delicious apples are at the top of the tree , and only the most patient and perfect person can climb that tree.

Ryan got the best apple of the bunch :) I have found the love of my life , my soul mate , my partner in crime , my heart , my soul , my missing piece

Our next endeavor will be a cruise trying to convince Ryan to do a combo Birthday and Year anniversary cruise

Road Trips tell you alot about a person

Going with Ryan to get his car stuff done in Ohio this weekend was one of the best ideas I had in along time. With a wonderfully educational trip at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame under my belt I can now breathe easy, They say take a trip with someone and you will see how real your feelings are or see the person under stress aka at their worst. If this is the case I have decided once and for all ; Ryan makes my heart beat different my world go round at a place unimaginable by someone who has never felt love.

When I am with him its like the reality of the rest of the world melts away.To be able to see someones smile and feel as though all is right in the world. I NEVER knew what it meant to really feel love, to love and care for someone and get that exact force back like some kind of theory by Einstein. To lie in bed at night and know that tomorrow night you will love that person even more.

This brings me to Sunday nights, as amazing as the weekends are I cherish every forehead kiss, I love you , even your protein shakes and canned chicken, Each Sunday night it gets a little harder to say goodbye I don't know if that because we are falling deeper in love creating that lasting bond between 2 people Is it me becoming dependant on him ? All I know is that now Ive started to cry when he leaves to go home on Sunday night. Am I so overcome because i have never felt a love like this and don't want to with anyone else ? Is it my mind foreshadowing something else a point in our lives where there wont be Sunday night good byes and I love yous , There will only be Monday Good Mornings, Ryan is the only person I could see myself creating a home with , I can only hope I will be lucky enough to spend the rest of my life with such an amazing loving caring soul

While driving to the haunted Forest this song came on and brought me to tears very poignant

Hush my baby, Don't you cry.
I'll dry your eyes. Fulfill your heart's desire.
Let's go in. Try again.
Careful this time. Broken promises linger in our mind.
I'll give in completely. Hearts break so easy.
I know. Believe me.
Oh, I've tried.But my arms can hold you.
My kiss console you.I'll come and love you tonight.
And I...I love, I love, I love
Love hurts sometimes
But this feels right.
You...You love, you love, you love
Though you've been burned
You still return.
Come and share my house, my home, and all I own.
I'd love to give to you.Aren't you tired of going along this lonely road?
It takes it's toll on you.
Give me your emotion, your heart's devotion.
Give anything you like.
And I'll give understanding. Life's so demanding.
I'm all you need to get by.
And I...I love, I love, I love
Love hurts sometimes
But this feels right.And You...You love, you love, you love
Though you've been burned
You still return.
I love, I love, I love
Love hurts sometimes
But this feels right.
And You...You love you love you love
Though you've been burned
You still return.Still return
Still return to love
Keep coming back to love


I love you with all of my heart Ryan :)

In light of recent stalkerish events I will post this in case you dont get the message STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE

Seriously GET OVER YOURSELF I dont want you in my life

ITS ALL YOUR FAULT BUDDY

I found REAL love so to reinterate what i said 3 months ago ITS OVER

New John Legend ft. Kanye West "It's Over"

Now What Do You Keep Standing There For Its Over, Its Overrr

(Its Over) In The Back Of My Mind I Question Why I Keep Calling

I Guess Im Just Used To Getting My Way Im Spoiled

I Dont Wanna Be What You Want Me To Be

So When I Call You're Just Yelling At Me (I'm Sorry It's My Fault)

Oooh & The Clothes I Brought You Can Still Wear

Did You Store The Cards & Teddy Bears

See There I Go Again Sticking My Nose (I'm Sorry It's My Fault)

Now What Do You Keep Standing

There For Its Over, Its Overrr

(It's Over) Girl Talking To Myself In The Mirror Is Strange Enough

So You Gotta Know Sharing This With You Is Painful

You Know We Used To Talk About Our Future (It Ain't Just All My Fault)

(I Know, I Know We Used To Talk About It Babe)

So Say Goodbye To The Way The Leaves Would Fall

The Way We Stand In The Rain & We Would Ball

(We Would Cry) Just Say Goodbye To The Walks & Talks & The Dogs In The Park

(& It Ain't Just All My Fault)

Now What Do You Keep Standing There For It's Over, It's Overrr


(It's Over) We Lost A Four Leaf Clover Dont Ask My Shorty Be Over News Flash Shorty

We Over We Like Def Jam & Hova

We Like Bobby & Whitney Except Without The Kiddies

Just Like Pamela Anderson's Career Except Without The Tittes

We Had Some Good Times Didn't We

I Know I Won't Forget That

But We Had Some Bad Times & That's Time I Wish I Could Get Back

But I Love You I Can't Let Go

Now I Just I Just Don't Know You Been Around Me Long Enough To Know That Now It's Over.

Now What Do You Keep Standing There For It's Over, It's Overrr

It's Nothing We Can Do With It

So You Might As Well Forget It

(It's Over) Like We Never Ever Did It

PLEASE accept the fact im happy and its not with you

just Believe . . . . . . . .

The dictionary defines Believe as: to accept as true, genuine, real, to have a firm conviction as to the goodness, efficacy, or ability of something

I am extremely sick of people asking me what my tattoo “means” and I only have a lifetime of this bs left.

If you notice I got it so that I would be able to read it , not anyone else that word has held a special place holder in my life for sometime now, I think it takes feeling truly hopeless to attach ones self to a word so powerful as Believe.

The Secret which some people may not know or care about is the Law of Attraction.

According to proponents of this law, thoughts have an energy that attracts like energy.
In order to control this energy, proponents state that people must practice three things:

1. Know what you want and ask the universe for it.

2. Feel and behave as if the object of your desire is on its way.

3. Be open to receiving it.

Thinking of what one does not have, they say, manifests itself in not having, while if one abides by these principles, and avoids "negative" thoughts, the Universe will manifest a person's desires.

So on a basic level I suppose it is an everyday reminder for the second step


So I guess this blog is as much for everyone else as it is for me. It is one word that holds many meanings for me and that is why I have permanently marked my body with it

Believe in wishing wells

Believe in shooting stars

Believe that dreams come true

Believe what you feel

Believe in miracles

Believe in angels

Believe in love

Believe two hearts can learn to beat as one

Believe the impossible